Last night was by far one of the best nights that I’ve had this semester, but it was also one of great simplicity. Myself, my roommate Katie, and my housemates Lindsay and Brittany simply sat in my room, ate burnt cookies, drank diet vanilla coke, and stayed up until 2am writing our personal doctrinal statements that were due the next morning.
There was something so blissful, so comforting in that quiet (but sometimes laughter filled) fellowship. I’m not one to procrastinate, but this time I’m glad I did.
Rewind to Saturday night. Myself, Katie, and our good friend Kelsey are all cuddled up on my twin bed watching Madea Goes to Jail. Snowfall still falling outside, but we were extra cozy with all the blankets we had. Once again, quiet, simple, fellowship. Halfway through the movie Taylor, another housemate, joined us. Not once did I think that you could comfortably fit four people laying down on a twin size bed. The things you learn in college.
Rewind a little further- Thanksgiving Day. I was missing home like crazy. My foster siblings are growing up without me; I’m missing D’s first Thanksgiving, and I’m simple missing Z. I called my Aunt’s house just to chat with everyone for a bit, but my heart still longed to be home. My cousin got engaged not too long ago, and really wanted to be seated around the table with those I love. Trying not to cry, I went about my day. Went to Yokes in the morning to get some groceries with Katie and Brittany, then we made our way over to the boys house to have some biscuits-&-gravy and watch the football game-which pregame and the first 10 minutes were commentated in Spanish. Then we went home to get the house ready for Thanksgiving dinner. We set the table and were expecting 20 people. I was so conflicted inside, wanting to enjoy this, but wishing I was home. As people flooded in and the festivities began, the longing to be with my family slowly faded. We did a potluck style dinner, and oh my the food was sensational! I didn’t realize how much I missed variety in one meal! (Don’t get me wrong, I love to and do cook real food, it’s just been forever since I’ve actually had variety all at one meal…..ie- chili has been the story of my life for the past month, it’s a good thing I love it!) At the dinner table, I simple sat back and looked around me, and did my best to hide the tears that were trying to flow. The beauty of the fellowship, the people, the laughter and smiles around me was almost too much. I realized how much God has blessed me with the friends and housemates I have. This is my family, this is my home, if I simply open my heart to accept this beautiful but frightening change.
I’ve learned so much about fellowship, friendship, and my need as a daughter of God and a human being for it. God has truly blessed me with amazing people in my life, and I fully intend to enjoy the gift of their presence in my life, and pray I can be a blessing to them as well.
Needless to say, my cup overfloweth.
Psalm 16:11 “…in Your presence is the fullness of joy…”
Psalm 139:7 “Where can I go from Your Spirit, where can I flee from Your presence?”
Exodus 33:14 “My presence will go with you, and I will give you rest.”
1 Chronicles 16:27 “splendor and majesty are before Him, strength and joy are in His dwelling place.”
The presence of the Lord is by far the best place to be. How wonderful that we can freely bask in the dwelling place of our God. That we have been made white as snow and are able to be in constant communion with God wherever we go, not having to present sacrifices or only have select people be able to be in the Lords presence.
The most life-giving thing is with us wherever we go, but do we take advantage of it? Do we allow ourselves the pleasure of being able to sit at the feet of Jesus and gaze at His beauty, feel His embrace and bask in the overflow of His love?
I struggle with this very much. I get too busy with ‘life’ to just sit at His feet. I’m too concerned being Martha, that i forget to be Mary. When I’m exhausted, is the first thing on my mind to spend time with God, or something completely mindless? When I’m overwhelmed, do I shove feelings aside or tell Jesus how I’m feeling? When I’m weak, do I ask God to fill me with His strength, or hope that tomorrow will be better? When i’m void of jubilance, where do I strive to find joy? Am I convinced that the Lords presence will bring complete satisfaction, restoration and fulfilment? That I will find joy of the purest form in the presence of God?
Gethsemane. In Jesus’ most agonizing moment, He sought the presence of His Father.
I know when things get tough for me, the last thing i do is seek Jesus. I pull myself up by my bootstraps and try to make it on my own. I soon find myself deplete of joy, void of strength, overwhelmed and on the verse of becoming bitter.
Oh Lord, that I would seek you like Jesus did in Gethsemane. That my thirst for your presence would be greater than any circumstance in my life. That my sin would not hinder my desire for You. That I would chase after you instead of chasing the wind, for it’s all meaningless without You. That I would know and seek the satisfaction only You bring. For where can I go from Your Spirit? Where can I go from Your presence? Oh Lord, that I would remember I can sit in Your presence and gaze at your beauty wherever I am. That you are always with me I just need to allow You in. That I would remember that being with You is the best place to be. That I would make time with you a priority, not second-rate. Jesus, help me to take some time to simply sit at Your feet, to simply be with you. You can’t fall in love with someone you don’t spend time with.
Little droplets on my window,
Fallen from heights above,
Clinging on with all they have,
Not sure what awaits them below.
They could become a part of something greater,
Upon their tumble from the sky,
Like a puddle or a river,
Or a drink that satisfies.
They could fall and find themselves alone,
Slowing soaking into the earth,
Of no value, of no worth.
So they firm their grasp,
afraid to find their destiny,
they’d rather do nothing as
there’s comfort in complacency.
But His thoughts are not mine,
Nor are His ways,
So fear not little raindrop,
Fall expectantly to your place.
For nothing will return,
To the place from whence it came,
without fulfilling it’s purpose,
Even the smallest drop of rain.
Impassive and comatose,
Chill and bleak,
Like a rainy London day.
Nothing more than abase pastels.
Like a marathon runner approaching mile twenty-five.
Nothing suggests to impart amusement.
Like waiting for a pot of water to boil.
However, consumed of you.
Yearn to hear your voice.
In your absence,
I simply long
The past month has been filled with every kind of emotion imaginable, every kind of up and down, every kind of fear and doubt; but here I stand on the other side. Not much older, but a small bit wiser.
I still desire to have my life all figured out.
I still long to know what lies ahead.
I am still fearful of the unknown.
But I am no longer untrusting.
I have released my life into His hands, and embraced the sweet freedom that comes with letting go of something I was never intended to hold. I am still trying to sift through my passions, as there are so many. I strive for listening ears and a listening heart, to pray first then think, to ask for guidance.
I don’t have to have it all figured out.
That’s the hardest thing I’ve had to embrace, but the best by far.