The Hardest Thing

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“Someday you will dance light-footed on the high peaks, but for now, cling to My hand for strength and direction as we face this valley together. You will never be alone.”

I try to not be too specific when I write on here. I try to touch base on feelings versus circumstances. I believe that focusing on the feeling rather than circumstance makes what I write more beneficial to the reader, simply because more people will relate to the feelings I have than the specific circumstance that brought on those feelings. But sometimes, it just can’t be avoided.

Many of you know that I was in an abusive ‘relationship’ for two years, and for those of you that didn’t know, well….now you do. Sixteen is a very impressionable age, and unfortunately I fell into the trap of subtle mind games and pretty lies, living the double life of church girl on Sunday and victim the rest of the week.

The past 3 years I have healed, cried, and let God take me where He willed. I started a group with my friend Annie that teaches healthy relationships, and we are starting the process of becoming a non-profit. I’ve been able to share my story to many hurting women, and see them come to realize that they are not alone. I’ve been blessed to be a listening ear, one who silently understands, when truly no words can be said to comfort. God has blessed my recovery. I’ve always had an eager spirit to heal and move forward. Until now.

Friday night at Lifest…..I get this horrendous gut feeling that my world just fell apart. I couldn’t explain it. All I could think about was my abuser. Nothing made sense. Why would I be thinking about him? I sat down at a round table with my bible and journal, desperately searching for an answer, some scripture, anything that would give my turmoiled soul comfort. I reached out to Annie, asking if everything was ok, thinking maybe this gut feeling had something to do with someone I cared about, but I couldn’t get ‘him’ out of my head. She simply sent back: is it confrontation time?

I lost all reserve. The words I never wanted to read had calmed the raging sea in my heart. Why now God? I refuse to admit that I need closure, even though it’s something I deeply desire. If there is any other way God, can we please go that way!?! He simply said: Trust me. How can you argue with that?

I have peace, although I am still in silent opposition. This is the hardest thing i’ve ever had to do. I don’t think i’ve ever so strongly opposed something as much as this. Why? Because it will bring complete healing and closure. I’ll have nothing to hide behind. The shame will be completely placed where it belongs. Remember that passage of scripture that women wrote on my hand? Psalm 34:4&5. Verse 5 states: “those who look to Him are radiant; their faces are never covered in shame.” I’ve let myself wear someone elses shame for too long. It’s my time to be radiant. To throw off someone elses burden for good. To be free.

That doesn’t make me any more willing to go through with this, but knowing why He is calling me to go through this makes it much harder to argue with Him. This journey will be a constant battle between saying yes and no. I wish I could just jump right in, fearless, but for some reason I can’t. But He’s not asking me to be all “gung-ho” about the whole thing. He simply wants an obedient heart, and a trusting spirit.

We’ve all had and will have our “hardest things”. We don’t always get to dance on the mountain tops. We don’t always get to avoid things we wish we could. But just remember when you’re standing face to face with your hardest thing, you’re not standing there alone.

“Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord God, my God, is with you. He will not fail you or forsake you…”

I will continue to walk this path you have chosen for me….

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