Here it is, straight from my journal, what God has taught me today, and it’s only 10:45am =)
God, I don’t know what I want to hear from you right now. I just know I need you.
“There is no fear in my love. Turn your whole being to trusting and loving me.”
God, that’s what I wrote about last night. I’m petrified to love you and trust you completely. That devo really spoke to me. I just don’t know if I’m ready. I want to be, and I’ve given you pieces of my heart and life. I just don’t know if I can right now. Everything inside of me is screaming to do it, but something is holding me back.
Temptation is an underlying theme in my bible devo today and in the chapter of 1 Thes. I read. Not sure how it plays a part in what I’ll learn today, but I’ll keep my eyes open for the lesson.
(5 hrs later)
Found out what the reason was behind temptation and how it ties in to what I wrote about last night about wanting to be known, but yet not wanting to be, and how there are really only a select few people who I let my guard down with.
I was picking out books for my flight and grabbed a few books for entertainment purposes, and then grabbed one for learning/studying, which ended up being “The Wounded Heart by Dr. Dan B. Allender” I’ve skimmed through the book before, but now I think it’s actually time to go through it. I “coincidentally” found myself at page 137. “Loss of the Hope of Intimacy”. The whole section really spoke to me, and I’d like to write out the whole thing, but it’s too long. But here is the quote that tied the loose ends together:
“The defensive loss of hope is the heart’s refusal to be tempted again to love or enjoy.”
It goes on to say:
“The person who has been betrayed fears her own longings for connection with others, because her longings tempt her to move out of isolation and want something from others, which will surely destroy her. The best solution is to kill her longings…If the heart has been crushed by betrayal, at least future pain can be minimized if one abandons the prospect of oneness. Yet all modes of giving up hope, however reasonable and understandable, lead to greater alienation and isolation.”
This sums me up perfectly right now. Not only am I having good temptations to have those deep relationships that I desire, I am also fighting the temptation to kill those desires and stay isolated. To be honest, it’s SO much easier to kill the longing and keep everyone at arm’s length, pretending to be content.
I’ve been burned so many times in my life, not just in ‘romantic’ relationships either. I’ve had a Christian friend who questioned my salvation because I was having a hard time understanding my bible. I’ve been used as a bridge for the ‘unpopular’ kids to become ‘popular’ just because I was friends with everyone. When I was 9 years old I had my first taste of having your physical boundaries destroyed. (and forgive my bluntness in the next sentence.) I was involved in intense abusive mind games for 2 years before he got me drunk, had his way, and never talked to me again. I’ve been burned
And now I’m called to love. Receive love. Give love. Receiving love, harder for me than giving. You’d think that I’d all but given up on love, and at one point and time I had. But I believe in love. I believe in true and complete forgiveness (different from reconciliation). I believe in oneness. I believe that there are such things as healthy relationships. I believe that complete healing can happen. I believe my God is greater than the challenges that lie ahead. I believe that my God is faithful to restore. I believe that someday I will no longer have to think about receiving and giving love. I believe that my God will never hurt me, challenge me yes, hurt me no. I believe that my God is greater than my broken heart. I believe in love.
But just because I believe, doesn’t mean that I’m there. It doesn’t mean that I’ve got it all together. Believing something doesn’t do you any good until you put it into practice. It doesn’t mean that I don’t resort to the victim mentality every now and then. Just because I believe, doesn’t mean that I don’t have ups and downs.
I’m being tempted to love. Tempted to give love. Tempted to receive love. Tempted to fall into a love that will never leave me or forsake me. Tempted to fall into a love where there is no fear. Tempted to fall in love with the creator of the universe. Tempted to be completely satisfied, completely known, forever cherished. Who could resist such temptation?
Right now I am….but it won’t be long Jesus. It won’t be long before I’m completely in love with you. It won’t be long before I am unafraid to let down the walls and enjoy true and beautiful fellowship. It won’t be long……I can feel it…..
1 John 4:18 “There is no fear in love. Perfect love casts out fear…”